Anger Isn't The Problem, Avoiding It Is

+A different way to work with anger, especially the suppressed kind

The Story

A portfolio manager in his 40s. He’s sharp, successful, and steady. He has a tense call with his older brother. The topic: aging parents and money. For years, he’s been the fixer. Writing checks, organizing care, taking on the emotional load.

This time, he says no. He sets a boundary.

But instead of relief, he feels guilt.

He has questions churning in his mind:

Was I selfish? Should I have done more?

As the day goes on, guilt peels back into something sharper. Quiet, underlying anger.

Years of absorbing responsibility without asking for help. Years of pride in being reliable, mixed with resentment that no one checked if he needed anything.

Guilt can feel acceptable, it signals you care. But anger? That’s stickier. It's often buried under perfectionism, duty, and little “s” stoicism, not the Stoicism of the Greeks.

Vesuvius from Posillipo by Joseph Wright of Derby. ca. 1788. Oil on panel. 25 × 33 inches (63.5 × 83.8 cm). Yale Center for British Art. New Haven, CT.

Not All Anger Is Loud

Be composed. Be reasonable. Be reliable.

There’s wisdom in restraint, yes. But chronic, habitual suppression of anger creates distance from others, and from yourself.

Most people picture anger as loud and explosive. Combative. Yelling. Slamming doors. There’s that side.

But there’s another side as well. Suppression of anger.

People who suppress anger often don’t recognize or acknowledge their anger in real time. Instead of expressing it, they might ruminate, withdraw emotionally, engage in passive-aggressive behaviors, become sarcastic or subtly critical, or hold on to a grudge while remaining outwardly composed.

Neither the explosion nor the freeze reflects strength. They’re just exits. They’re ways to temporarily avoid discomfort, the vulnerability of staying present, and acknowledging that something matters to you.

Emotional Evolution

Emotions aren't flaws, they evolved with purpose.

Anger, guilt, and shame often travel together, each pointing to something that matters.

Anger shows up when something we value feels violated: our time, integrity, sense of fairness. It can also arise from blocked goals, injustice, or being treated poorly. It’s the body’s alert system: Something here isn’t right. Pay attention.

The problem isn’t anger. It’s what we do with it, or what we never learned to do.

Unacknowledged, it corrodes. But expressed with intention, anger becomes fuel: for setting boundaries, telling the truth, realigning with your values, and protecting what matters.

Nature, when she formed man for society, endowed him an original desire to please, and an original aversion to offend his brethren.

-Adam Smith, Scottish philosopher and economist, The Theory of Moral Sentiments, 1759

Guilt evolved to keep us accountable. It signals when we’ve stepped out of alignment with our values or harmed someone we care about. It’s not a punishment, it’s a prompt. A GPS saying: Turn around. Make it right.

The trouble is, many don’t differentiate healthy guilt (the kind that points toward repair) from chronic guilt (the kind that shows up simply for disappointing someone, even if your choice was values-aligned). One guides. The other weighs you down.

And shame too has a function. It protects belonging. In moderation, it curbs harm. But when it becomes tied to identity, not action, it paralyzes.

What The Research Says

Suppression of anger has shown to increase heart rate and blood pressure. Suppression doesn’t eliminate anger, it stores it. And stored anger tends to leak out in unhelpful ways: more anger, sleep issues, anxiety and worry, addiction, and strained relationships.

A 2025 meta-analysis of 81 studies found that those who rely on avoidance, suppression, or rumination experience more anger, volatility, and disconnection. Those who practice acceptance of anger and cognitive reappraisal, skills like naming and reframing their anger, reported less anger.

A 2024 meta-analysis of 154 studies debunked the “venting” myth. Arousal-reducing practices like mindful awareness, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and yoga consistently reduce anger across age, gender, race, culture, and setting, including correctional facilities. Arousal-increasing activities like jogging significantly increased anger.

Key Takeaways?

→Cooling down activities work better than energizing ones in navigating anger.

→What helps isn’t trying to eliminate uncomfortable emotions, but learning to accept and feel them fully while choosing to act in line with your values, not your fears or old habits.

One Simple Practice: Willing Hands

Ask yourself:

What’s my relationship to anger?

Willing Hands is a simple body posture: sit down, relax your shoulders, close your eyes, and drop your hands gently, open and face-up.

This posture signals to your nervous system a non-defensive and open stance. It helps interrupt your autopilot response to act out or suppress, and creates a pause.

In that pause, breathe, and ask yourself:

What kind of person do I want to be right now?

Not what feels good, but what matters.

Let your values, not your fear or frustration, shape your response.